Sunday, March 17, 2013

Top 6 People Who Play Laser Tag

I enjoy laser tag. So much so that when I was offered a free chance to play it this past week, I accepted the offer. Then I shot people with lasers.

6. The People Who Are Too Old For It
Nobody is really too old for laser tag. Some people just think that they are. So they don't show up. I can't really comment more on how their laser tag ability is, because I have never seen them play. I can speculate on what they do when they aren't playing laser tag. They're probably crying. Or maybe home renovations.

5. The Pre-Pubescent
Thanks to the desensitization to violence in many world societies, a lot of kids grow up imaging they are shooting their friends in war games. Some kids even get toy guns that make noise. But these guns don't shoot lasers. Laser tag guns do. So, when these almost-old-enough-to-be-super-awkward kids get their first laser tag action, they think it's a fun bunch of hootenanny. They go crazy! They arrange to have birthday parties at the laser tag arena with all their friends, eat pizza, drink a lot of pop and then get in fights with those same friends at the sleepover portion of the party later that evening.

It all sounds good and fun, but unfortunately it doesn't stay this way. I hate to say it, but some of these kids love laser tag so much that as they grow older they move onto more "hardcore" experiences, like, yes, paintball. And they don't just play paintball recreationally, but become more serious about it than anyone should be. You know those guys that show up at paintball arenas with full-out camouflage, walkie-talkies, grenades, war paint and military-grade paintguns and start barking orders at all the people that are there because their groom-to-be friend is a nerd? Yeah - those guys all started in laser tag. Be careful, cause it could happen to you.

4. The Noob
These folks are first timers. Or maybe they're not. They might just be terrible at laser tag. And that's ok - we're not as hardcore as the paintball guys so we don't judge a person's survival ability by first-world war games.

The Noob usually likes to walk around the arena a lot without much sense of purpose. They may go an entire game before realizing that their gun wasn't working. Or they may never notice at all. It's fine though - just take the opportunity to gets some points from shooting them. Even better, you may be able to convince them that they're on your team, even though their lights are red and yours are green. It's not mean to lie to a Noob - they'll never notice the difference anyways.

3. The Kamikaze
I like to think I fit into this category. The Kamikaze ruins the fun for The Camper (see below), but makes a lot of fun for themselves in the process. They realize that once you are shot in laser tag, you will be alive again within 10 seconds. So, you should use this time to run up to the person who hit you and keep pulling your trigger in hopes of tagging them before they tag you. If you are unsuccessful, just do it again!

Or, you could just run around screaming and doing dodge rolls. They look cool. Or pin an opponent to the ground and sit on them. You'll probably get shot a lot and lose points in the mean time, but boy, you'll be rolling in the memories!

2. The Camper
This person is deathly afraid of lasers. I don't know why - maybe they had a bad experience with someone shining a laser pointer in their eye one time. Whatever, the reason, they hide in a corner and refuse to move for the entire game. This is usually a fairly effective strategy, unless a Kamikaze comes by and, with their own disregard for laser fire, doesn't mind getting his 100 times in order to hit the Camper 10 times. Campers usually get really mad that the Kamikaze is not taking the game seriously. The Kamikaze will usually respond by making a wise-crack and dodge-rolling away.

1. The Hardcore
The Hardcore is like the Pre-Pubescents who migrated to paintball, only the migration never occurred. They love laser tag, mainly because they're good at it. Yet they fail to see that the reason they're so much better than everyone else is because everyone else has decided to be good as useful skills.

The Hardcore usually picks an alias indicative of their intensity. While normal people just go with a funny name (or try to, at least), a Hardcore will have their alias as SlayerElite or ShadowDeath or Feerce (the word is intentionally misspelled because they're too hardcore to spell it normally). They obsess over stats, using terms like "K/D Ratio", "Hit Percentage" and "I'm ranked 9th on the Alpha Tier, Northwest Division". 

I recommend trying to brag around Hardcores, because they will always try to one-up you. Even if they don't want to. They're genetically obligated to try, though, so it can get fairly annoying for them if you try to brag around them. I recommend trying to exhaust one out. If you brag enough around a Hardcore, they will eventually get so tired from one-upping you that they will spontaneously fall asleep. 

Monday, March 11, 2013

Top Six Animals I Would Like To Cuddle

After a two-year hiatus, we are back! An international, eight-show world tour to come!

To further celebrate this, here is a list of animals that I wish were cuddle-able:

6) A porcupine.
Aside from their physiological-spinyness, there is really nothing wrong with these fun creatures. In fact, I have it on good authority (my own opinion) that they are actually really friendly animals. The only problem is the barbarous backside they possess. Yes, you could attempt to sneak in a ventrally-focused cuddle-sesh, but the risk is too great. And we all know that the best cuddles are risk-free.

5) A gryphon (or griffin).
The poor things have such a hard life. Not only are people turned off by the fact that they are half-breeds, they have to deal with the inanity of not even existing! I can't imagine what that would be like.

4) The dog I saw leaning his head far out of his car window yesterday.
Because that dog didn't care at all if a nearby vehicle clipped his head. He just loved his freedom. Freedom is a cuddle-worthy virtue.

3) A beluga. 
Oh, Mr. Beluga, would you please swim this way, let me give you a hug and pat you on your weird blubber-head-thing? Pretty please?

2) A grizzly bear.
Know what would be even better than winter vacation? A snuggling-up-with-a-friendly-grizzly-and-sleeping-for-four-months vacation! It's too bad that the grizzly would likely eat you. Even then, I do still consider this from time to time.

1) Anna Kendrick.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Top Six Valentine's Day Memories

6. Unknown year - When Jess and I both got the same Kelly Clarkson CD.

5. Another Unknown Year- When I cut/coloured my hair in the same style as Martina McBride and then went to a hockey game of some boys from school (I think it was some of the guys from Joseph/Fiddler) and someone told me I looked like her. Always a good day when someone says you look like your favourite singer.

4. 2010 - When Danielle and I went to Save-On Foods and got free leftover chocolate. Delish!

3. 2007 - When Chelsea (I think it was Chelsea) thought way ahead and brought Valentine's Day decorations to Uganda and decorated our kitchen before anyone was awake. So special!

2. 2004 (?) - When all the flowers had been handed out (from the school fundraiser) I heard someone say my name in the hallway. My heart started racing, I was so excited! They brought a beautiful bouquet in and I opened the card. Someone asked who they were from and I blushed and said, "My Mom". Ridiculously embarrassing for a 14 year old, wonderfully lovely to a 22 year old.

1. 2011 - When I walked to the store and bought myself flowers, chocolate and a magazine with The Bachelor - Brad Womack on the cover and decided that for this year I will remember what it means to love myself and to love who I was created to be! This will include, reading the magazine, eating the chocolate, smelling the flowers and most likely painting or doing something crafty.

Happy Valentine's Day! Hope it's full of LOVE!!!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Top Six Things To Remember Tomorrow

Can you guess what big day it is for Lady B?

6. Drive the speed limit

5. Shoulder check

4. Check my mirrors every 5 to 8 seconds

3. Use my blinker

2. Don't hit anyone/anything

1. Don't throw up

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Top Six Things I Hope I Won't Do When I'm A Parent

6. Make My Entire Family Wear Matching Clothes - When I was growing up there was a family at our church who did this. Mom, Dad, Kids, everyone. All the same pattern, material, everything.

5. Let My 4-Year-Old Son Wear Justin Bieber T-Shirts - Yes I saw this recently.

4. Let My Kids Have Cell Phones Before They Can Afford To Pay For Them - I'm sorry but children do not need to text. Children do not need cell phones.

3. Pull My Child By The Ear - In researching this post I asked my mother what is something I shouldn't do when I have children and she demonstrated this act of frustration. It hurts.

2. Watch The Wiggles - Most children's shows are a little strange and annoying and don't make much sense and get stuck in your head in the worst way. But from what I have seen of the Wiggles, they are the worst. No Wiggles in my house thank you.

1. Nurse A Baby In A Movie Theatre - Inspiration for this post. I was on a date the other night and we were a little shocked why we a) saw that the couple in front of use had a baby with them (which could be kind of annoying and disruptive and why would you bring a baby in the first place?) a b) realized that right at the dramatic climax of the movies the woman began to NURSE her baby. Needless to say, I covered my face with my sweater and pretended to be moved to tears by Katherin Heigl's performance.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Top 6 Things to get Back After a Break Up

Inspired by a conversation with Dan

6) Your Black T-shirt- After the silence, the what ifs, the what could have been stage, you realize that you left an important piece of clothing at their house, your balck t-shirt. This versatile piece of clothing fits any occasion, relaxing, funeraling, you name it. It's also easy to forget and is nessecary to have. Sure, you could buy another one, but you want yours back. Also ben Folds sings about it....

5) Your Gameboy- At some point during the relationship, you probably let them play with your Nintendo DS, no doubt Mario Cart or a game of that nature. As a token of trust and goodwill, you let them keep playing after they begged you to keep it for a few days, which turned into a few months as they attempted to defeat Bowser. Sure, it was a great common interest, but now your broken up you have a lot more time on your hands, which can be filled with a Gameboy, and maybe tears.

4) Kitchenware- The making and preparing of food is a great couples activity, as long as there are no attempted poisionings when things go South. There is no doubt you brought some sort of tupperware or kitchen item with food in it being the ideal romantic type. That time is over, you now need something to keep your left over pizza in. I bet you wish you had that tupperware container instead of it being locked up in the Fortress of Solitude.

3) Your Couples Improvement Books- If your a guy, please tell me you don't have any of these to pick up, if you do, I guess you guys didnt study it hard enough. Important Note: While picking it up, don't say something like, "I need it for my next relationship" or, "I guess we won't be needing this anymore," have some class.

2) Your TV on DVD Series- Every couple has this. its an excuse to be close to each other. Whether it's a drama like th O.C., a terrible show like Prison break, or a decent show like The Office, it is vital to get this item back. Nothing says I've moved on like like taking this nifty box set back and watching it by yourself or with someone else. By the way, you can't wacth the same series in your next relationship, be a little bit creative, it could also get sort of weird. apparently the brain associates memories to images. If all you can think of is the time you spilt coffee on yourself with your former Lover, probably not a good idea to wacth it with your current Lover. I could see things going badly by starting to say, "Remeber that time we watched this episode and I......"

1) Your Dignity- I think you left it in that box over there by the twenty post break up love letters you sent....


Ben Folds

Viewer discretion might be advised.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Top Six Things You Don't Want to Hear at Thanksgiving Dinner

6. Careful, the cat licked that

5. Why don't you have a boyfriend yet?

4. Mom, I think the stove is broken (inspiration for this post - we are currently cooking dinner at our neighbor's house)

3. The expiry date on the turkey was a few days ago...but I probably cooked out all the mold

2. The stuffing is gluten free!

1. There are so many calories in the dinner, I decided not to make dessert.