Top Six Excerpts from “How to Get Your Cat to Do What You Want”…

By Warren and Fay Eckstein

This might need to take up two posts, I’m pretty sure I have more than six and as I peruse this little tidbit of humor I'll probably come up with better exceprts that just need to be shared.

My beautiful sister sent a gift along with our aunt who was just visiting Ontario. It is a book which she felt we needed in our life as (apparently) our cat is ruling our lives. Little did she know, he would be diagnosed with diabetes two days later. Now we are learning how to give him daily insulin shots, and hoping J won’t keel over at the thought of more love being doled out on him. Yes I realize that this just may be another step in my becoming a crazy cat lady (Tim Urban has yet to fall in love with me)

Before I begin the official excerpts I thought it important to share this tiny little nugget from the “Important Notes” section of the book, just to prepare you for what is in store. “In order not to insult any of my feline friend, you’ll find throughout this book I switch back and forth from “he” to “she” and “him” to “her”. Clearly it would have been easier to refer to Kitty as “it” and avoid this gender dilemma altogether. But I couldn’t do that. Cats aren’t “its” They’re much too special for such a cold, non-descriptive label. So in the interest of fair play, for this book, sometimes Kitty is a boy and sometimes Kitty is a girl. I hope I’ve given them equal time”. Prepare yourself; this is going to be a good one.

6) Part One- NEW AGE THINKING ABOUT CATS: Chapter 2- Kitty’s Bill of Rights and The Feline Freedom March. “What type of life are we providing for the cat that never leaves home? Just how fair are we being? Can we reasonably expect our cats to sit around and watch General Hospital and all the other soaps day in and day out? Just what is the cat supposed to do one he know the answers to all the questions on Jeopardy? How should Kitty occupy himself when he already knows what Vanna will wear tonight? Cats should have certain civil rights….” First of all, who lets their cats watch General Hospital when they could be watching Glee (which my cat loves by the way).

5) Part Two- IT’S OKAY TO TALK TO YOUR CAT: Chapter 7 -Making Direct Eye Contact - A Must for a Highly Developed Relationship. “Unless they’re encouraged to make eye contact, they may never know that your eyes are five to six feet up in the air. As an experiment, lay flat on the floor and have someone stand over you. Strange feeling isn’t it? This gives you an idea of what Kitty sees from her perspective”. While it’s okay to talk to your cat, my mom and I are wondering if it’s okay to talk for your cat (as we often do).

4) Part Four- KITTY’S MENTAL HEALTH: Chapter 9 – Sex and the Single Cat (I couldn’t resist using this chapter which includes subtitles of “The Best Sex is no Sex”, “Can Kitty Be a Homosexual” and “Can Kitty Be a Nymphomaniac” as well as tips on birth control for “Kitty”.) The chapter starts off much like I would assume a cheap romance novel would. In order to keep this PG I’m just going to share that the author must be an interesting guy.
3) Part Four- KITTY’S MENTAL HEALTH: Chapter 6- Kitty’s Midlife Crisis. “Can kitty have a midlife crisis? You bet he can…” just buy him a sports car! Or have him read ahead to “Sex and the Single Cat”.

2) Part Five – KITTY KINDERGARTEN: Teaching Kitty to Walk On a Leash. Yes, I have tried to walk Oliver on a leash. Mostly it involved carrying him to the end of the driveway and running back into the house with him. What does “How to…” say? “Yes I have been called a pioneer in the field of pet facilitated therapy. Yes, I was one of the first people in the world who taught bets to hear for the deaf. Yea I was one of the earliest advocates of hugging and kissing healthy pets [ew] when critics claimed we’d all die from their germs…” Okay buddy, we get it, you’re innovative. “All cats should be taught to walk on a leash and harness. Please not that I said all cats”. Well, I’d better finish reading that chapter and really get Oliver going on some brisk jogs around the neighborhood.

1) This one is for Trisha. Part 6 – KITTY AEROBICS: Chapter 4-Kitty Massage. There are a few nuggets in this chapter. “Besides feeling good, a massage will help desensitize Kitty to being touched” (and that’s what we always want right?). There is also a “how to” section. Note: Stay clear of the spinal cord.

Well, I am now well on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady as you can all see. But at least I know “How To Get [My] Cat To Do What I Want”.

Top 6 Physics Laws

I am not an authority on Physics laws, so these are not truly the greatest of all time - just in my limited knowledge. For those interested, my cat is sitting on my shoulder and my dog is sleeping in a plant in my backyard.

6. Snell's Law - The sine of the angle of incidence multiplied by the refractive index of the initial medium is equal to sine of the angle of refraction multiplied by the refractive index of the medium the ray of light enters. All angles with respect to the normal of the surface, of course.

5. Newton's Laws of Universal Gravitation - It doesn't work at an atomic level. So much for always relying on gravity.

4. Faraday's Laws of Electromagnetic Induction/Lenz's Law - Magnets and current can cause some nasty opposition. If you've got some magnets, some copper and some faith, you can achieve levitation.

3. Newton's Laws of Motion - Pretty much the entirety of an introductory physics course - and much of every other course you take.

2. First Law of Thermodynamics - Turns out that energy cannot be created or destroyed - only lost relative to a system as heat.

1. Maxwell's Equations (all four are Laws) - A flawless representation of classic electromagnetism. I've heard it even works on extreme levels.

Top Six Highlights of the Last Ten Days

6) April 5- Tied for first place a) leading my last ever class chapel at Summit Pacific College and b) writing my last ever counseling paper for my college career. My job as class president is almost over and I won't have to write another counseling paper until I do my master's. It was a bittersweet moment. I love my counseling courses. If I could only take counseling courses I would. If only my other papers were finished as well...

5) April 4- Spending the day with my family. We went to a wonderful Easter brunch at the Semiahmoo Inn in Blaine, Washington. We had church in the living room at Grandma and Papa's new condo and Great Grandpa Janz prayed for us. My parents and I had the priviledge of driving Great Grandpa Janz home and listening to his stories.

4) April 3 - Finding a dress for the grad banquet. I have probably tried on over 40 dresses. I finally found the perfect one on Saturday. It will be perfect with my shoes.

3) March 29 - I got to spend the day driving to Seattle with my friends Corey and Danielle. Danielle was leaving for Ecuador for a missions trip and we had a wonderful time driving down there, eating lunch at my favorite sub place in Bellingham, getting coffee at my second favorite coffee place in Bellingham, shopping at the outlets, wearing red shoes and listening to 'Hello Seattle' way too many times.

2) March 29 - Finding out that one of my favorite people in the whole wide world is going to be working at camp with me this summer. We will share an office and a cabin and it will be splendid. Christina, you are great and I am so thankful for you.

1) March 29 (it was a REALLY good day!) - I found out that I made it into the Top 24 for 107.1 FM's Big Break Contest (http://www.country1071.com/concerts/more.jsp?content=20100330_163354_6640). It is such an honor to be chosen and I can't wait to see what God has up his sleevies for the next round!