Top Six Excerpts from “How to Get Your Cat to Do What You Want”…

By Warren and Fay Eckstein

This might need to take up two posts, I’m pretty sure I have more than six and as I peruse this little tidbit of humor I'll probably come up with better exceprts that just need to be shared.

My beautiful sister sent a gift along with our aunt who was just visiting Ontario. It is a book which she felt we needed in our life as (apparently) our cat is ruling our lives. Little did she know, he would be diagnosed with diabetes two days later. Now we are learning how to give him daily insulin shots, and hoping J won’t keel over at the thought of more love being doled out on him. Yes I realize that this just may be another step in my becoming a crazy cat lady (Tim Urban has yet to fall in love with me)

Before I begin the official excerpts I thought it important to share this tiny little nugget from the “Important Notes” section of the book, just to prepare you for what is in store. “In order not to insult any of my feline friend, you’ll find throughout this book I switch back and forth from “he” to “she” and “him” to “her”. Clearly it would have been easier to refer to Kitty as “it” and avoid this gender dilemma altogether. But I couldn’t do that. Cats aren’t “its” They’re much too special for such a cold, non-descriptive label. So in the interest of fair play, for this book, sometimes Kitty is a boy and sometimes Kitty is a girl. I hope I’ve given them equal time”. Prepare yourself; this is going to be a good one.

6) Part One- NEW AGE THINKING ABOUT CATS: Chapter 2- Kitty’s Bill of Rights and The Feline Freedom March. “What type of life are we providing for the cat that never leaves home? Just how fair are we being? Can we reasonably expect our cats to sit around and watch General Hospital and all the other soaps day in and day out? Just what is the cat supposed to do one he know the answers to all the questions on Jeopardy? How should Kitty occupy himself when he already knows what Vanna will wear tonight? Cats should have certain civil rights….” First of all, who lets their cats watch General Hospital when they could be watching Glee (which my cat loves by the way).

5) Part Two- IT’S OKAY TO TALK TO YOUR CAT: Chapter 7 -Making Direct Eye Contact - A Must for a Highly Developed Relationship. “Unless they’re encouraged to make eye contact, they may never know that your eyes are five to six feet up in the air. As an experiment, lay flat on the floor and have someone stand over you. Strange feeling isn’t it? This gives you an idea of what Kitty sees from her perspective”. While it’s okay to talk to your cat, my mom and I are wondering if it’s okay to talk for your cat (as we often do).

4) Part Four- KITTY’S MENTAL HEALTH: Chapter 9 – Sex and the Single Cat (I couldn’t resist using this chapter which includes subtitles of “The Best Sex is no Sex”, “Can Kitty Be a Homosexual” and “Can Kitty Be a Nymphomaniac” as well as tips on birth control for “Kitty”.) The chapter starts off much like I would assume a cheap romance novel would. In order to keep this PG I’m just going to share that the author must be an interesting guy.
3) Part Four- KITTY’S MENTAL HEALTH: Chapter 6- Kitty’s Midlife Crisis. “Can kitty have a midlife crisis? You bet he can…” just buy him a sports car! Or have him read ahead to “Sex and the Single Cat”.

2) Part Five – KITTY KINDERGARTEN: Teaching Kitty to Walk On a Leash. Yes, I have tried to walk Oliver on a leash. Mostly it involved carrying him to the end of the driveway and running back into the house with him. What does “How to…” say? “Yes I have been called a pioneer in the field of pet facilitated therapy. Yes, I was one of the first people in the world who taught bets to hear for the deaf. Yea I was one of the earliest advocates of hugging and kissing healthy pets [ew] when critics claimed we’d all die from their germs…” Okay buddy, we get it, you’re innovative. “All cats should be taught to walk on a leash and harness. Please not that I said all cats”. Well, I’d better finish reading that chapter and really get Oliver going on some brisk jogs around the neighborhood.

1) This one is for Trisha. Part 6 – KITTY AEROBICS: Chapter 4-Kitty Massage. There are a few nuggets in this chapter. “Besides feeling good, a massage will help desensitize Kitty to being touched” (and that’s what we always want right?). There is also a “how to” section. Note: Stay clear of the spinal cord.

Well, I am now well on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady as you can all see. But at least I know “How To Get [My] Cat To Do What I Want”.