Top 6 Bloggers I Detest

The problem with the internet is that it has given everybody a voice. Many people would think this is a good thing - after all, freedom of speech is apparently a basic human right. The problem is that many people don't have anything good to say. Furthermore, a lot of people only have bad things to say.

The greatest offenders of all electronic venues of speech are blogs. I know I am biting the hand that feeds me a bit, but the truth must be said. Just as cars are wonderful inventions that can also be responsible for terrible tragedy, so it is with blogs. I have written some pretty terrible blogs during my years as a disenfranchised (or, at least I thought I was) teenager. Yet I feel that I have learned from the error of my ways.

Others have not. So I am thus writing my analysis of the top six worst bloggers that I know of. It was inspired by reading through the "notes" on Facebook, along with a few bitter experiences I had in the past. For each stereotype I list below, there is at least one specific person I could point to. I won't, because I'm nice. I just slander people in concept - not specificity.

6. The False Poet - Now, this is a little bit of a risque one for me to write, since I have poet friends. I'm not against them. I like their poetry. It's good. Granted, I'm not really a fan of poetry in the first place, mainly because of the crappy poetry bloggers.

The poetry writers are not poets at all. Instead, they are incapable writers that seek to find a vehicle to would justify their absolute lack of thought conveyance, poor grammar and ridiculous themes.

To expand:

6.a. Lack of thought conveyance: Some people don't understand the purpose of the internet. It's public. It's a public network that connects millions (probably even billions by now) of people across the globe. The lack of thought conveyance directly opposes this intent in two ways:

6.a.i. False poets don't really say anything at all in their poems. Although this is a problem in all blogs, it is especially poor in poems. Trying to be good, because these false poets think that some poetry talent scout (these things don't actually exist beyond the mind of a false poet) will stumble on their blog and turn them into a household name in poetry, a false poet hides their nonexistant thoughts behind jumbly metaphors, shock-jock phrasing and incoherent sentence fragments. While public blogs are meant to be shared with people, false poets don't take this into consideration, since they give no valid message to the masses. In fact, they give no message at all.

6.a.ii. Or maybe these false poets do actually say something. But they just won't tell you what they say. For some reason, they like to post things on the internet for others to read and make their poems so obscure that you have no clue what they're talking about. You know they're saying something, but it could be anything from a complaint on the mistreatment of gophers in the sub-Saharan reigion (gophers don't actually exist in the sub-Saharan region - although false poets think they do) to the dismay over not being noticed at school that day by the poet's crush. You have no way of knowing, and they have no intention of telling you.

6.b. Poor Grammar - Now, I understand that poetry often breaks gammatical constrains in an effort to free itself from The Man. If you know anything about me, you know that I am always for anyone who tries to fight The Man. So you would think that I would be all for this. I am, but not in the case of false poets. That's because false poets aren't trying to deshackle from The Man. Instead, they are trying to become The Man.

That's because their misuse of grammar is not truly an attempt at expression. A false poet uses poor grammar to try and be edgy. A false poet brutalizes language not in order to stretch it to its fullest extent, but to shred it of any decency. The Man is one who does nonsensical things to the chagrin of the populace. That's exactly what these false poets do. There is no sensibilty behind their misuse of grammar; only disreputable dreams of Man-dom.

6.c. Ridiculous Themes - I already touched on this a bit (see 6.b., above). As we all probably know, there is not much significance in the things false poets write about. What makes it even worse, is the way that false poets address these issues.

Usually, they have no idea of what they are talking about. Usually, they say generic, worthless opinions about complex issues. Usually, they are more wrapped up in their own emotions than on trying to actually contribue something to society.

This all may be a little complex (what with the sub-points and all) so I'm going to simplify by leaving you with an example of a false poet's poem:

LoST in A MinEFIeldd Of+HeaRTTZ :(

Where iS My (our) FriENd?...
People are DYE ---- ng. I hate that. I hate you BecUse you are green!
Where iS LoVE?
My Father is in the trees::'' :( :S

But I Will never forget you. PLease STopppP my bleddin....

War Sux! >:(
I love my girlfriend.

:..: Pockets of Sunshine :..: answer ME!?*#&@(

5. The Heartfelt Discourse - This one may also get me in trouble, so first let me clarify something. I don't actually detest these bloggers; they just bug me a bit. And it's not their fault.

Who are these bloggers? They're the people with good, genuine hearts and good, genuine motives. They usually write about something that was quite meaningful to them. I'm all for the good blogs where somebody writes about life in a poignant and impacting way. It's just too bad when that's what the person is intending to do, but it comes across flat and cliche.

That's not just a problem with bloggers, it's a problem with life. With so much information being thrown around these days, it's increasingly hard to not be original. That being said, I still think it's the responsibility of the blogger. While I understand their good intention, I still wish they'd try a little harder.

Here's and example of the Heartfelt Discourse:

"I was walking down the street today and I saw a boy who was poor. He had nothing. He probably didn't know where he was going to get his next meal from. Yet as he sat there, he was happy. Am I happy? Am I helping the poor? These are questions we should all ask ourselves. Why are we not happier?"

It's great. It's pure. It's good. But I've heard it said so many times before, in better ways, that it fails to have any impact. And I think the issue at hand is bigger than the one raised.

4. The Philosopher - We've all read these blogs. Again, I must say that there are some very good philosophical blogs. They're enriching and I love reading what the people have to say.

Then there's the other philosophers. Ones that write things like this:

"Ignorance is the enemy. In a globalized world, we find ignorance to be in increase. The eruption of socio-enconomic regions in overlap has revealed the ignorance of our species. Yet what is our species? What is ignorance? Is it genetic? Is it a choice? Is it not better to choose to be who one is, than who one is supposed to be? Or do the ideals of society take precedence?"

Enough said.

3. The Political Analyst - This one was probably brought about because it's election time in North America. My disdain for these bloggers has something to do with my view on the governmental system. That view is that people need to stop complaining about governments and start taking responsibilty for their countries. Who is elected into office is merely a representation of the country. Even for those who don't vote.

So stop writing your stupid blogs. It's not going to change anything. Stop sharing your opinion - because it's nonconsequential. Instead of writing, why don't you...Okay, I'm starting to get on a little bit of a rant myself, which is probably also nonconsequential.

Anyways - here's an example:

"an election went by
and nothing has changed
the poor are still hungry
and the big man is still getting his money
welfare cuts are thereby condoned, and we are doomed to seeing years more of our health system declining.
and war is a sure thing now."

Good for you. You've complained, which is the least effective form of protest.

I guess I just complained about political analysts...

2. The "About Me" Questionnaire - LiveJournal was a hit for online blogs. At least with me and my friends. Everyone was into it. And everyone was on eachother's friends lists. It was awesome. Everyday I could go and read a good thirty minutes worth of memoirs, thoughts and experiences that my friends had.

But that was all destroyed by the "About Me" Questionnaires. Rather than write about their lives, struggles and personal thoughts, these people would post the questions and answers of a variety of questionnaires. Not just one or two, either. An endless amount. Day after day I would go to check my friends postings only to see the page jammed up with these useless questionnaires. Some of the questions were actually interesting. However, the poster would never actually answer those. Just the boring ones, like their name, favorite food and what they look for in a guy.

The worst part was that the fad was catching. By the time I finally brought myself to delete one friend because their posts were so incredibly, another one caught onto the fad. It completely took away from the joy of reading my other friends' posts; it completely took away from the joy of blogging about my life. Now, I just write angry top 6 lists.

Example of the questionnaire:

"Name: Crappy Blogger X (not a real name)
Age: 17
Favorite color: I can't decide between blue and brown. And green is nice in the correct light
What's the worst thing you've ever done? Can't say.
What do you look for in a mate? Someone who listens to me, cares for me, smart, good-looking.
Have you ever done drugs? Um...."

1. The Idiot - The above listed people are all quite irritating, but obviously, I have saved the best (worst) for last. How does one describe the idiot? He is a combination of all of the above, yet at the same time, he is completely different. Nothing can really pin him down, other than the fact that he is an idiot.

The idiot has no idea he is one. He sees his thoughts as poignant; as pure genius. He both thinks that he is hilarious, and that his opinions are what will save the world from all its woes. And their opinions are also very blunt and offensive. The idiot considers that their best trait. He wouldn't be so stupid if he were just dumb. Instead, it's so much more. The reason he's so bad is because he lacks any form of self-awareness.

I don't know if my example can do justice:

"Many teens nowadays feel like they aren't good enough. Self-esteem is a real issue among teenagers. With all the pressures they feel it's hard for them to match up to the quota. How can we make teenagers feel better?

But I'm going to turn that all on its head. Really, people just need to realize that a lot of teens aren't good enough. Why should we wait till they're older to tell them they aren't good enough? Tell them now! It's a dog eat dog world, and many people just don't make the cut. So what if teenage suicide rates are up? Maybe it's the best for society to let the weak die young!"

Nobody I know has written the above exactly. Yet the lack of logical thought and disdain for the feelings of others have been seen in many an idiot's blog. Not to the above extreme, mind you, but I'm trying to make a point. And, like an idiot, I'm going to an extreme to make a point. Wait - does that mean that I'm...?

Top Things I do when I am stressed over homework

1. Shake
2. When stuck staring at my blank word document, I quickly type "f**k this!!" then quickly delete it and repent.
3. Contemplate and seriously consider the late-drop fees
4. Call Bethany for help
5. Continue my procrastination by writing blog posts
6. Pray

Top 6 Suprises of Since September 1st

6) I havent been talked to in Intrumural Soccer- When playing any type of sport as anybody who knows me will see I get pretty into it. I think in intrumurals last time I almost got in 2 fights and i got scolded by refrees and opposing players. this hasn't happened so far this year maybe because I'm too out of shape to be able to fight or run fast enough to get away from a scary man. Or maybe I'm older and I can't handle the thought of getting broken by a retaliation tackle.

5) I actually have decent marks- The first semester of my last tur of duty here my first semester was a train wreck. Also known by some as the fire semester. Bad marks poured in like returns on boxing day. It was a tornado of dissapointment. This year however, every assingment ive gotten back has been over 80%. This will hopefully continue but there's a mid term next week that could reperesent an extreme down turn.

4) I haven't missed a bus yet- Last year living in a place where busing to school was nescessary I was frequently late and missed buses. However this year even though bus usage is down Ive hit everyone on the money. There is no worse feeling than running after a bus in despair knowing that you won't get it and you'll be late for a midterm. It's like the guy who talks about the girl who is always just out of reach. He's giving it his all just to be dissapointed.

3) I've only been home once so far this year- If you know me well enough, youll know what Im talking about.

2) Ive been in a relationship for longer than a month- Knowing my illustrious career of realtionships it's clear that something is going right. Proably because she is a top notch girl. Certain haters have predicted doom within the first month. however if one of the Donkers had to lay himself down in order for my happiness, I have to pump it up.

1) I havent amounted a debt so far- by this time last year i was begining the financial nose dive that cost me $750 by the end of the first semester. It's never a good idea to buy stuff with money you dont have, especially if that money is coming from your parents. Word of advice for everyone. I think Im happiest about this cause I am not imitating wall street right now and going into a crisis that only a governing institution can get me out off. We all know of what institution i speak of.

Top 6 Things Said In A Grade 3 Classroom

I'm living in a strange place right now. As I'm trying to figure out my life and only working evenings, I've found myself with a lot of free time in the mornings. My mother, always eager to be involved in my financial life, took the liberty of suggesting me a job. Turns out that there was a 3-week opening for a Teacher's Assistant position at the intermediate school she works at. She teaches grade 4, and the position was for grade 3, so I was fine with it. The 3-week stint is now over and it left me with some good memories. And some fantastic quotes.

6. "Before it was Dogzilla." - This quote was said after I commented to the child on the strangeness of him reading a book titled "Kat Kong". Being instantaneously fascinated by the prospect of a book series that domesticates everyone's favorite monster movies, I tried desperately to get my hands on these two books. The teacher of the classroom said they were favorites of the children, which piqued my interest all the more.

Finally, I got my hands on not one, but both of these books. A quick scan of the back covers taught me all I needed to know about the books. Like most childrens' books, it featured a little text and a lot of pictures. However, what separates these two books from your run-of-the-mill crap was the hybrid between real photography and hand-drawn images. All the backgrounds for these two books were colorfully hand-drawn, whereas the characters (dog, cat and the rodents that inhabit the towns the monsters trash) are superimposed photographs of the author's pets. If there has even been a better concept - wait, nevermind. There has never been a better concept for childrens' books.

But how were the storylines? I'll be honest, Kat Kong was a large disappointment. Dogzilla, on the other hand, made me a better person. It started off with all the mice having a fun-ol' barbecue. How nice. The only problem was that the smell of all that meat awakened a horrific beast from the depths of the earth - Dogzilla. As expected, Dogzilla then terrorized the city amognst all sorts of pet puns. Eventually, the mice got wise and chased Dogzilla back into the crater from which he (or she) came. The book ends peacefully...or so you would think. Unfortunately, the mice forgot about one fearsome prospect - puppies. This dark twist of events is driven home by a chilling final page that features a picture of extremely happy puppies crawling out of a crater.

Don't believe me? Do a Google book search for it. You won't be disappointed.

5. "1 Million...1 Billion..." - It was during Math class. The teacher began by saying "Anything times zero is zero. So what is zero times a million?" That's when the first part of this quote transpired. The teacher continued: "No. Anything times zero is zero. What's a billion times zero?" Then the child responded with the second part of the quote.

Maybe the kid was just having a hard day. But I don't think so.

4. "My sister looks at naked people." - This one perked up during devotions. We were talking about doing bad things, or something like that, and this one girl decided to clean out her sister's closet for the classroom. When she described it, it sounded more like a one-time accident on her sister's part. I didn't really get a chance to find out, though. The teacher (who was ironically a substitute for that day) scolded her and commanded she speak no more of it.

3. "I want to go home or I'm going to kick my face open!" - This was from my favorite kid. In fact, he may have been my favorite because he said things like this. It was randomly in the middle of Math class. Again, the teacher told him that saying such things were inappropriate. I probably would have agreed, if I weren't so busy laughing.

2. "Why do you smell books?" - I loved Bearenstein Bears books growing up. So when I saw the plethora of them in the elementary school library, I could not hesitate to pick one up. Flipping through the pages it brought back all sorts of memories of the stories, the feelings, the lessons, the adventures, the smells...yes, I mean that. Those books had a certain smell to them. The smell of home. The smell of comfort. The smell of familiarity. Was this book the same?

So I smelt it. I tried looking around quickly to see if anyone was looking before I did so. I must have missed one though. Maybe it was because she was so short. Anyways, she hit me up with the above-listed comment as soon as I pulled the book away from my face. I answered with the truth: I was smelling my childhood.

1. "Your wife is my teacher!" - This requires no explanation. As said above, my mother teaches grade 4, not my wife. I'm not married. Yet, this child obviously could not fathom this possibility. I guess at the age of nine you don't have that built-in ability to tell when two people are thirty-six years apart in age.

Maybe he was just having a hard day. But I highly doubt it.

6 Reasons I Hate Taking the Bus Home On Friday & Saturday Nights

6) Last night I hop on a bus from downtown after a quality night with friends and as soon as I get on the bus it is packed. It's only the first stop and it gets really hot and uncomfortable, especially when your sitting beside a random stranger who you think could possibly be a witch looking at the pentagram on her purse.

5) The Random people you get on the bus who are extrmely odd and make you uncomfortable. Last week my Girlfriend and I were coming back home and a random asian man sat down in front of me and promptly started to fall asleep. The akward thing was he started leaning towards me and he almost started to rest his head on my lap. Nothing infuriates me more than people (especially men) fall asleep on me. though he woke up before he went all the way I was ready to start throwing punches.

4) The amount of time it takes people to get on and off the bus late at night on a weekend is painful. It's a bus all you have to do is step on or off. Your not going through the Iraq border and getting searched for a bomb, just get the bus moving again.

3) The hardcore guys who take alcohol onto the bus. Last night a guy walks on a bus with a couple of Lucky Lagers (The poor man's version of Molson Canadian's) that makes a statement about his character already. He cracks one open on the bus and starts drinking. Clearly class takes a break late at night on a bus.

2) The loud obnoxious guys who come on the bus going to a house party. Here is a late night bus staple. Guys walk on loaded and start hitting on any girl in sight. First they embarras everyone else on the bus for them but at the same time give me a little bit of joy. Then it's on to story telling time with the buddies and then hearing about how he got to touch a girl once a couple of years ago cause clearly no girl self respecting girl would touch him with the state he's in. Here presents a prediciment because on the bus there are girls with little to no self respect. Usually by the end of the bus ride he's got another story of how he totally could have gotten with that girl on the bus.

1) Girls who are on the bus and crying. This is a common occurance usually becuase their boyfriend is a jerk or their best friend is a b****. It makes everyone else on the bus uncomfortable as her friends try console her when it's really beyond the point. This is usually when drunk party goer guy gets on the bus and shows a side of himself, the emotional side who is able to comfort her and bring her back to a normal mental state. Usually a story for the buddies occurs after this.