Top Six Things To Do When You Live Alone

I am living in an apartment at camp until the end of September and my roomate has left me for a few days. Here are a few things I may or may not have done during my hours of by-myself-living.

6. Turn on whatever music you want (Glee soundtrack) and belt it as loud as you can.

5. Pretend you are the lead singer (Rachel Berry) and perform the afore mentioned song for your imaginary audience. No need to pretend they are in their underwear, when they come from your imagination your audience always adores you.

4. Sleep with the light on. This is not a suggestion for fun, in my case is was because I was afraid of the rats in my ceiling. For you it may be for safety reasons or because your house is messy and you don't want to trip if you need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. If you are able to sleep with the light on you could just do it for the heck of it because it won't be keeping anyone else awake.

3. Eat ice cream for dinner.

2. Eat ice cream for dinner...in your bed

1. Buy a pet fish. I haven't actually done this yet, I will tomorrow. Her name will be Rachel Berry. I might buy two...I need suggestions for another name. This suggestion is to ward off any loneliness that you might face. Sometimes fish actually have some personality (RIP Gilgamesh's Mouth) and they are pretty easy to keep. They also only cost 13 cents at Pet Smart.

Top Six Things I Wish I Could Eat

Yesterday was the fateful day. I remember thinking that the drugs weren't working, that I didn't feel drowsy at all. The next thing I know I was blinking in a bed, looking out over Surrey, wondering where my shoes had gone and feeling great concern over the fact that Michael Jackson was dead. My face hurt and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't close my mouth (thank you gauze). I may be four teeth less wise and I've watched seven movies in the last 24 hours but the thing that is bothering me the most is the ridiculous cravings I've been having for things I may not be able to eat for a couple of weeks!

6. Kraft Dinner

5. Pizza...really gross greasy pizza, like you always see on TV when people from New York are eating pizza

4. Teryaki Chicken Burger from Red Robin (and Fries)

3. One of the Gluten Free Banana Chocolate Chunk cookies that my mom's client brought to me Tuesday evening. Giant, delicious, won't make me sick cookies.

2. Cheese Bread

1. The BC Burger from White Spot. I want this the most.

For now I'm sticking with chicken broth and pudding, gatorade and apple juice. And let's not forget the T-3's. The glorious T-3's.

Top 6 Worst Courses I've Ever Taken

6. 2nd Year Biochemistry: Cell Biology
I really thought this class was good, until I got my final mark. I was just over half a percent from being in my minimum letter grade range. It may sound silly, but try losing the 100m in the Olympics by less than a second. I've done that too - it's better than being half a percent off.

5. 1st Year Economics: Macroeconomics
No matter how hard I tried, I just didn't work out with me. So much for that business degree.

4. Youth Communication
This is another course from another degree I never finished. I must say that this one had the 2nd worst final exam I've written in my entire life(the worst is described further down). It had a major essay question worth 25 marks, as well as a short answer question that was worth the same amount. I didn't understand that sort of weighting, and I don't think my prof did either.

3. 2nd Year Organic Chemistry Lab
It wasn't the lab that was bad. I seem to do quite well in lab-based courses, but not this one. I still believe that the way some stuff went down was outside the realm of proper justice.

2. 1st Year English: Introduction to Literature and Issues in Culture
Contrary to your expectations of this class from the title, it was anything but interesting. The class really wasn't about issues in culture, it was about a single issue in culture - globalization. Instead of looking at the interesting aspects of globalization, the prof preferred to interpret it as a chance to saturate us with anti-corporationist media. Don't get me wrong - I hate The Man just as much as anyone. But my hatred of The Man is pure, unlike the prof's poorly-veiled attempts at being original. The only thing that is as bad as The Man is the trendy hatred of The Man, which is really another form of The Man, known as The Man 2.0. I hate The Man and The Man 2.0 in the same way that I hated this class.
One final note: the reading list for this class was equally painful. It included the typical horrible Canadian literature about some fish girl, and a Chinese book about a love-affair between a Chinese woman and a German businessman. Get it? The intertwining of their bodies was a metaphor for globalization. Real clever. Sex has never been used as a metaphor before. Also, the book was apparently banned in China, which probably made my prof feel more edgy. He loved feeling that way.

1. 3rd Year Biology: Invertebrate Biology
Even the globalization debacle was not as bad as this mistake. For those of you who don't know, an invertebrate is something that doesn't have a spinal cord. I'm the sort of biology major who prefers dogs to slugs (ie. a normal human being) so this course wasn't really my bag from the get-go. But, I needed to fill some credit slot, so alas, I signed up.
I was quite distraught to find out, once I was already in the course, that I would have to go on a field-trip that would steal my entire weekend. It was the worst field-trip of my life. We got to spend four hours just getting there. We got to go on boats in the rain and catch plankton. We got to spend our evenings looking at anemones on a beach. We got to sleep in a dorm with other people from our class we didn't know, and be kept up till 3 a.m. every night by those who didn't relish our own love for sleep. And that was just one weekend.
The lectures were overly detailed, and finding structure was also a challenge. I ended up relistening to each lecture and taking verbatim notes in an attempt learn something, but I wish I could have had that time back - the exams were designed to make you fail. Not only did they have negative points for wrong answers, the final exam gets the run-away record of being the worst exam written in all of history. It tested everything that was not focused on, with negative points being given should you guess incorrectly.
This course had a lab component. It was three hours a week of drawing things without spinal cords. At least speaking in a David Attenborough voice made it somewhat more bearable.
Finally, the course also demanded that I spend almost twenty dollars of my own money at the Aquarium and spend all my time looking at the boringest stuff, just trying to squeeze some more marks out of the tight fist of my cruel-meister-prof.
Ironically, I did decently in this course. Yet it's not one of those courses that was challenging, but you're happy you were able to come out on top. Just like Churchill would have preferred no war at all over his victory, I would have preferred to have never taken this course.

Top Six Frustrating Sleep Related Situations

6) When you accidentally drink caffeine too late in the day and you lie awake for hours thinking, "if I fall asleep now, I'll get six hours of sleep....if I fall asleep now I'll get three hours of sleep...."

5)When you have to get up earlier than usual but for some reason your body wakes you up before your alarm (the inspiration for this morning's 5:45AM blog post)

4)When you sleep funny on your arm and you wake up and you can't feel it

3) Having a really stressful dream during a really stressful time in life (i.e. during my last couple weeks of college I kept having stressful dreams about camp that I had to save hundreds of campers and staff all by myself)

2) When someone is snoring and keeps you awake

1)When you sleep through your alarm and only have a few minutes to get ready to go somewhere (especially if you haven't washed your hair for a few days and it really needs to be cleaned)

Top Six Conversations We've Had With Mom

Heads Up - Mother's Day is tomorrow. In honor of my own Mom, here are a few anecdotes from the Lady B family. They are a few of what I know are my Mom's favorite memories from motherhood and some of my favorite comments from being her child. Happy Mother's Day Mama J!

6) Halloween - One Halloween when I was in elementary school I didn't want to go to school. I was talking about it with my mom and my sister, Lady J, responded with "Well at least you don't have to sit next to DRACLEEA all day!"

5) The "Thugs" - I have a friend who my mom recently met at our college graduation. After the banquet she said to me, "I like how he matched his ear thugs to his tie". "Ear thugs?" I replied. "Yeah...isn't that what they're called? Because thugs wear them".

4) The Funny Hand - One morning I was getting ready for school. It was early. I'd boiled the water for mom's coffee and as I applied my makeup I heard her alarm go off. A few minutes later her door opened and as she blinked in the light from my bathroom, she sleepily commented, "Someone slept on my hand funny". I laughed and asked, "Was it you?" She blinked again and replied, "I think so...I was the only one in there".

3) The Birds and The Bees - Well, let's just say I didn't COMPLETELY understand the concept. I cried, and thanked my mom for going through that to get me.

2) My Future - The past week has supplied many conversations about my future. I suggested that maybe I should become a flight attendant. Mom's reply? "Yeah, then you could travel...and do that seatbelt thing".

1) The Stupid Glasses - When I was in second grade I got my first pair of glasses. Mom suggested a sensible metal frame but of course I wanted the purple and pink speckled ones with the purple and pink circles across the nose. Everyone told Mom to just let me pick the ones I wanted, so she did. My first day of school with my new specs I lined up outside the door just like any other day and Mom took Lady J (my sister) to Kindergarten. When her class was let into the room she came back to see if my class was still waiting. We were, and I was in tears. She picked me up and asked, "What's the matter?" Sniffling I replied, "Melissa said my glasses were stupid!" Mom resisted the urge to find the kid and give her what for and asked, "What's the truth?" "I LOOK FABLEEOUS!"

Thanks Mom for how much you love me and for always being 'fableeous'. I love you, Happy Mother's Day.

Top 6 Things I Want To Fight

6. Triceratops
5. The Man
4. The Black Smoke Monster from Lost
3. The dog that bit me as a child
2. The MCAT
1. Any man who breaks Lady B's heart

Top Six Excerpts from “How to Get Your Cat to Do What You Want”…

By Warren and Fay Eckstein

This might need to take up two posts, I’m pretty sure I have more than six and as I peruse this little tidbit of humor I'll probably come up with better exceprts that just need to be shared.

My beautiful sister sent a gift along with our aunt who was just visiting Ontario. It is a book which she felt we needed in our life as (apparently) our cat is ruling our lives. Little did she know, he would be diagnosed with diabetes two days later. Now we are learning how to give him daily insulin shots, and hoping J won’t keel over at the thought of more love being doled out on him. Yes I realize that this just may be another step in my becoming a crazy cat lady (Tim Urban has yet to fall in love with me)

Before I begin the official excerpts I thought it important to share this tiny little nugget from the “Important Notes” section of the book, just to prepare you for what is in store. “In order not to insult any of my feline friend, you’ll find throughout this book I switch back and forth from “he” to “she” and “him” to “her”. Clearly it would have been easier to refer to Kitty as “it” and avoid this gender dilemma altogether. But I couldn’t do that. Cats aren’t “its” They’re much too special for such a cold, non-descriptive label. So in the interest of fair play, for this book, sometimes Kitty is a boy and sometimes Kitty is a girl. I hope I’ve given them equal time”. Prepare yourself; this is going to be a good one.

6) Part One- NEW AGE THINKING ABOUT CATS: Chapter 2- Kitty’s Bill of Rights and The Feline Freedom March. “What type of life are we providing for the cat that never leaves home? Just how fair are we being? Can we reasonably expect our cats to sit around and watch General Hospital and all the other soaps day in and day out? Just what is the cat supposed to do one he know the answers to all the questions on Jeopardy? How should Kitty occupy himself when he already knows what Vanna will wear tonight? Cats should have certain civil rights….” First of all, who lets their cats watch General Hospital when they could be watching Glee (which my cat loves by the way).

5) Part Two- IT’S OKAY TO TALK TO YOUR CAT: Chapter 7 -Making Direct Eye Contact - A Must for a Highly Developed Relationship. “Unless they’re encouraged to make eye contact, they may never know that your eyes are five to six feet up in the air. As an experiment, lay flat on the floor and have someone stand over you. Strange feeling isn’t it? This gives you an idea of what Kitty sees from her perspective”. While it’s okay to talk to your cat, my mom and I are wondering if it’s okay to talk for your cat (as we often do).

4) Part Four- KITTY’S MENTAL HEALTH: Chapter 9 – Sex and the Single Cat (I couldn’t resist using this chapter which includes subtitles of “The Best Sex is no Sex”, “Can Kitty Be a Homosexual” and “Can Kitty Be a Nymphomaniac” as well as tips on birth control for “Kitty”.) The chapter starts off much like I would assume a cheap romance novel would. In order to keep this PG I’m just going to share that the author must be an interesting guy.
3) Part Four- KITTY’S MENTAL HEALTH: Chapter 6- Kitty’s Midlife Crisis. “Can kitty have a midlife crisis? You bet he can…” just buy him a sports car! Or have him read ahead to “Sex and the Single Cat”.

2) Part Five – KITTY KINDERGARTEN: Teaching Kitty to Walk On a Leash. Yes, I have tried to walk Oliver on a leash. Mostly it involved carrying him to the end of the driveway and running back into the house with him. What does “How to…” say? “Yes I have been called a pioneer in the field of pet facilitated therapy. Yes, I was one of the first people in the world who taught bets to hear for the deaf. Yea I was one of the earliest advocates of hugging and kissing healthy pets [ew] when critics claimed we’d all die from their germs…” Okay buddy, we get it, you’re innovative. “All cats should be taught to walk on a leash and harness. Please not that I said all cats”. Well, I’d better finish reading that chapter and really get Oliver going on some brisk jogs around the neighborhood.

1) This one is for Trisha. Part 6 – KITTY AEROBICS: Chapter 4-Kitty Massage. There are a few nuggets in this chapter. “Besides feeling good, a massage will help desensitize Kitty to being touched” (and that’s what we always want right?). There is also a “how to” section. Note: Stay clear of the spinal cord.

Well, I am now well on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady as you can all see. But at least I know “How To Get [My] Cat To Do What I Want”.