Top Six Excerpts from “How to Get Your Cat to Do What You Want”…

By Warren and Fay Eckstein

This might need to take up two posts, I’m pretty sure I have more than six and as I peruse this little tidbit of humor I'll probably come up with better exceprts that just need to be shared.

My beautiful sister sent a gift along with our aunt who was just visiting Ontario. It is a book which she felt we needed in our life as (apparently) our cat is ruling our lives. Little did she know, he would be diagnosed with diabetes two days later. Now we are learning how to give him daily insulin shots, and hoping J won’t keel over at the thought of more love being doled out on him. Yes I realize that this just may be another step in my becoming a crazy cat lady (Tim Urban has yet to fall in love with me)

Before I begin the official excerpts I thought it important to share this tiny little nugget from the “Important Notes” section of the book, just to prepare you for what is in store. “In order not to insult any of my feline friend, you’ll find throughout this book I switch back and forth from “he” to “she” and “him” to “her”. Clearly it would have been easier to refer to Kitty as “it” and avoid this gender dilemma altogether. But I couldn’t do that. Cats aren’t “its” They’re much too special for such a cold, non-descriptive label. So in the interest of fair play, for this book, sometimes Kitty is a boy and sometimes Kitty is a girl. I hope I’ve given them equal time”. Prepare yourself; this is going to be a good one.

6) Part One- NEW AGE THINKING ABOUT CATS: Chapter 2- Kitty’s Bill of Rights and The Feline Freedom March. “What type of life are we providing for the cat that never leaves home? Just how fair are we being? Can we reasonably expect our cats to sit around and watch General Hospital and all the other soaps day in and day out? Just what is the cat supposed to do one he know the answers to all the questions on Jeopardy? How should Kitty occupy himself when he already knows what Vanna will wear tonight? Cats should have certain civil rights….” First of all, who lets their cats watch General Hospital when they could be watching Glee (which my cat loves by the way).

5) Part Two- IT’S OKAY TO TALK TO YOUR CAT: Chapter 7 -Making Direct Eye Contact - A Must for a Highly Developed Relationship. “Unless they’re encouraged to make eye contact, they may never know that your eyes are five to six feet up in the air. As an experiment, lay flat on the floor and have someone stand over you. Strange feeling isn’t it? This gives you an idea of what Kitty sees from her perspective”. While it’s okay to talk to your cat, my mom and I are wondering if it’s okay to talk for your cat (as we often do).

4) Part Four- KITTY’S MENTAL HEALTH: Chapter 9 – Sex and the Single Cat (I couldn’t resist using this chapter which includes subtitles of “The Best Sex is no Sex”, “Can Kitty Be a Homosexual” and “Can Kitty Be a Nymphomaniac” as well as tips on birth control for “Kitty”.) The chapter starts off much like I would assume a cheap romance novel would. In order to keep this PG I’m just going to share that the author must be an interesting guy.
3) Part Four- KITTY’S MENTAL HEALTH: Chapter 6- Kitty’s Midlife Crisis. “Can kitty have a midlife crisis? You bet he can…” just buy him a sports car! Or have him read ahead to “Sex and the Single Cat”.

2) Part Five – KITTY KINDERGARTEN: Teaching Kitty to Walk On a Leash. Yes, I have tried to walk Oliver on a leash. Mostly it involved carrying him to the end of the driveway and running back into the house with him. What does “How to…” say? “Yes I have been called a pioneer in the field of pet facilitated therapy. Yes, I was one of the first people in the world who taught bets to hear for the deaf. Yea I was one of the earliest advocates of hugging and kissing healthy pets [ew] when critics claimed we’d all die from their germs…” Okay buddy, we get it, you’re innovative. “All cats should be taught to walk on a leash and harness. Please not that I said all cats”. Well, I’d better finish reading that chapter and really get Oliver going on some brisk jogs around the neighborhood.

1) This one is for Trisha. Part 6 – KITTY AEROBICS: Chapter 4-Kitty Massage. There are a few nuggets in this chapter. “Besides feeling good, a massage will help desensitize Kitty to being touched” (and that’s what we always want right?). There is also a “how to” section. Note: Stay clear of the spinal cord.

Well, I am now well on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady as you can all see. But at least I know “How To Get [My] Cat To Do What I Want”.

Top 6 Physics Laws

I am not an authority on Physics laws, so these are not truly the greatest of all time - just in my limited knowledge. For those interested, my cat is sitting on my shoulder and my dog is sleeping in a plant in my backyard.

6. Snell's Law - The sine of the angle of incidence multiplied by the refractive index of the initial medium is equal to sine of the angle of refraction multiplied by the refractive index of the medium the ray of light enters. All angles with respect to the normal of the surface, of course.

5. Newton's Laws of Universal Gravitation - It doesn't work at an atomic level. So much for always relying on gravity.

4. Faraday's Laws of Electromagnetic Induction/Lenz's Law - Magnets and current can cause some nasty opposition. If you've got some magnets, some copper and some faith, you can achieve levitation.

3. Newton's Laws of Motion - Pretty much the entirety of an introductory physics course - and much of every other course you take.

2. First Law of Thermodynamics - Turns out that energy cannot be created or destroyed - only lost relative to a system as heat.

1. Maxwell's Equations (all four are Laws) - A flawless representation of classic electromagnetism. I've heard it even works on extreme levels.

Top Six Highlights of the Last Ten Days

6) April 5- Tied for first place a) leading my last ever class chapel at Summit Pacific College and b) writing my last ever counseling paper for my college career. My job as class president is almost over and I won't have to write another counseling paper until I do my master's. It was a bittersweet moment. I love my counseling courses. If I could only take counseling courses I would. If only my other papers were finished as well...

5) April 4- Spending the day with my family. We went to a wonderful Easter brunch at the Semiahmoo Inn in Blaine, Washington. We had church in the living room at Grandma and Papa's new condo and Great Grandpa Janz prayed for us. My parents and I had the priviledge of driving Great Grandpa Janz home and listening to his stories.

4) April 3 - Finding a dress for the grad banquet. I have probably tried on over 40 dresses. I finally found the perfect one on Saturday. It will be perfect with my shoes.

3) March 29 - I got to spend the day driving to Seattle with my friends Corey and Danielle. Danielle was leaving for Ecuador for a missions trip and we had a wonderful time driving down there, eating lunch at my favorite sub place in Bellingham, getting coffee at my second favorite coffee place in Bellingham, shopping at the outlets, wearing red shoes and listening to 'Hello Seattle' way too many times.

2) March 29 - Finding out that one of my favorite people in the whole wide world is going to be working at camp with me this summer. We will share an office and a cabin and it will be splendid. Christina, you are great and I am so thankful for you.

1) March 29 (it was a REALLY good day!) - I found out that I made it into the Top 24 for 107.1 FM's Big Break Contest (http://www.country1071.com/concerts/more.jsp?content=20100330_163354_6640). It is such an honor to be chosen and I can't wait to see what God has up his sleevies for the next round!

Top 6 Top 6 Posts of the Last Two Years

Although not quite there, Stop Six is coming up on almost two years in publication. Its lasted longer than such hyped products like New Coke, Lindsay Lohan's music Career, and the Y2K scare, well done Stop Six. In honor of that, I've decided to pull together to what I believe to be the Top 6 excerpts from people's blogs over the past two years.

6) From Lady B..... I've got a new man in my life...okay...he's not new...and technically...he's a cat. But at least I know he's going to love me as long as I keep feeding him and the only way he'll hurt me is if I touch his stomach, and even then it's just going to be a scratch. I believe step one in my becoming a crazy cat lady has been accomplished...success.

5) From Finneas..... The Way She Lights Up A Room - I was once in a dark room, full of hurt, despair and anguish. Surrounding me were folks who had been through the worst, seen great loss and felt unbelievable hardship. Then Lady B walked into the room, and that all was forgotten. The cavalcade of sufferers and myself started to leap about with glee. The cries of sorrow turned to cries of ecstasy, for we did not know what we had done to deserve such a wonderful privilege. She doesn't know this, but I stole a picture of her at that moment. But it is not enough to comfort me during her absence.

4) From me, (I don't want to toot my own horn).... The Zodiac Break Up- In any marina you'll see small inflatable boats that have little engines on the back that allows you to explore land and gives you the freedom of a small boat. The freedom you'll gain after this break up will be monumental. The premise of this one is you and the lady are standing on a dock and you break the news, saying it's not going to work out. At this point another person comes to the dock on a zodiac and picks you up. Here you crank the motor and plain into the distant sunset leaving her wondering what could have happened after that epic exit.

3) From Lady B..... The First Time I Was Asked Out – this is a good one. It happened over MSN. It was two weeks before my 16th birthday and I was talking to a boy who was a grade younger than me from school. He told me he wanted to go out with me and I said no ( I said it nicer than just “no” but it would take up too much room to write it all out) he asked me to give him one good reason why I wouldn’t go out with him and I gave him three. 1) I’m older than you, 2) I barely even know you and 3) I don’t have feelings for you. He replied with, You’re not that much older than me, you probably know me better than anyone I know and we can work on that last one. When he persisted I told him that he’d have to ask my parents’ permission before I said yes, ‘Okay, but just to warn you, parents love me’. The next day at school he asked me if I would say yes if my parents said yes, I told him no and that was finally the end of it.

2) From Finneas.... "Baby, the truth is that appeasing you has been like Chamberlain's appeasement of Hitler, with more disastrous results."

1) From Finneas, the post that started it all..... Destiny - Where all of these figureheads collide. In a historical context, it is still destiny. In the galactic historical context, it is the force. To be a part of it, join and continue to support StopSix and StopFour Records as we seek to right all that is wrong in the world.

Top Six Procrastination Tools

I'm supposed to be studying for my Old Testament Theology exam right now. It feels slightly superfluous since I took Pentateuch from the same prof and I'm pretty sure he's using the same notes. We've just reached The Call of Moses in class so thus far it's all been stuff I've heard before (he even uses the same jokes in the same parts of the notes). So, procrastinating is looking really great right now. Here are some wonderful procrastination tools if you find yourself in a similar place as me. (PS - Writing a blog post is a given, seeing as that is what I'm doing so you won't find it on the list. Please see it as an acceptable alternative to anything you dislike on the following list.)

6. Facebook - The ultimate procrastination tool. If you don't have any wall posts, photo comments or messages to read, write some. Go to the photo section and see what your friends have posted lately. Read some notes, look for interesting groups, go to a group for a television show and play trivia games! The possibilities are endless!

5. Youtube videos - my favorites right now are Prank Wars. However if you search Kittens Inspired by Kittens, Baby Laughing at Ripping Paper or A cultural birthday extravaganza for Jess' sister Becca you will not be disappointed. Once you've found a video you like check out the side bar for videos that are similar. You can also find me singing the national anthem at a Cheifs game if you're interested by searching Becca Janz. (Sidenote - I went to look up the birthday one from my sister and in the related videos section is a video of Jessica Lowndes (from 90210) singing something...I went to high school with her! CRAZY!)

4. Tetris

3. Reorganize your closet/bathroom/bedroom/sock drawer. That way you will feel productive as you procrastinate. Organizing your bookself into alphabetical order, smallest to largest or by the dewey decimal system is also acceptable.

2. Check the Fox website for updates on the open casting call for GLEE. I check it every day just in case they've put up more information on it...even though I signed up for an email to let me know when there is more information. My procrastination in this manner for today led me to having FINN HUDSON (played by Calgary native Corey Monteith) as my desktop background. Yes, I'm a Gleek.

1. MLIA. mylifeisaverage.com is an amazing procrastination tool! It's better than FML because it is funny and happy and doesn't talk about awkward things that happen when you hook up with people as much. Stories about Harry Potter, Onsies, Snuggies and really cool old people dominate the pages and I guarantee you, you will find yourself chuckling out loud at least once if you read a few pages. I once submitted a story which was posted. It was the best day of my life.

Top 6 Ninja Turtles Characters

Unfortunately, I can only choose six.

6. Leonardo - Although everyone wanted to be the blue-masked leader of green gang when they played Ninja Turtles on the school playground, it was for all the wrong reasons. The kids who wanted to be Leo (myself included) were just power-tripping. They wanted to don the mantle of Leonardo so that they could be in charge. That's all Leonardo really had going for him. That, the color blue and the sweet swords. However, a more mature view of Leo realizes that he really didn't have much in the way of personality or charisma. In fact, he was a little bossy. Leonardo was always trying train harder and learn all he could from that stupid rat-sensei Splinter. Lame. But, he was still a turtle, so he does belong on this list.

5. April O'Neil - April was the leading lady and leading human all in one. Due to the species difference, there wasn't any of that silly romance junk that infected so many other good cartoons. Sure, she did get captured by the enemy from time to time, but she also showed resilience in helping the turtles out in substantial ways. April also demonstrated a strong sense of adaptability - meeting turtle and rat mutants in a sewer would be enough to send some folks to the madhouse. But not April! She also had that sweet yellow jumpsuit.

4. Donatello - I had a bit of a Donatello phase. It was mainly due to the fact that he was far superior to the other three in the original NES turtles video game due to the length of his weapon. It's Bo staff, and it's awesome. Don proved himself vital to the team many times with his gadgets, gizmos and scientific know-how. Half the things that made the turtles so radical, like the Turtle Van or their hover skateboards, would not have been possible without his inexplicable turtle-mutant intellectual wizardry.

3. Raphael - I feel like Ralph always got a bad rap because his weapons were a little silly. It wasn't until my later years that I realized Ralph to be the most interesting turtle personality-wise. Ralph often employed sarcasm, a nuance that was beyond me in my earlier years. Also, you got the impression that he was one degree away from being a bad guy. We all know the best heroes are the ones that could just as easily be villians. Unlike that silly Leonardo and his silly ideals.

2. Michaelangelo - Mikey is the highest-ranked turtle because he embodies what we all remember and love about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - partying, pizza and the term 'Cowabunga'. His character may not be that deep, but I am continually amazed at his ability to make pizza-related comments. And nunchuks were, are and always will be awesome.

1. The Shredder - First of all, he was voiced by Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Already enough reason for him to top this list. Secondly, and more importantly, Shredder was far from the cut-and-dry villian of late 80's/early 90's cartoons. Sure, he was an ex-ninja master with a ridiculous name and silly spikey armor. But what I didn't pick up when I was young was how delightfully inept he was. Shredder was the puppet of some alien brain-thing name Krang and demonstrated persistence in managing to foul up attempts at taking out the turtles. He wasn't the pure evil villian with no personality. Rather, he was a cape-wearing blundering fool who couldn't even conquer a group of mutant turtles. Don't worry though, Shredder, for you have conquered our hearts.

Top 6 Cups

So I want to try something a little different, I won't explain my list but let the list do the talking

6) Grey Cup

5) Soup Cup

4) Sippy Cup

3) Milk Bone Cup

2) Stanley Cup

1) Protective Cup